psychotic ramble

    i've noticed i have a tendancy to fall in love with guys who are far away and/or that i dont interact with very often.   Much of the emotional conection is based on the idea of a guy vs. how the guy actually /is/; and most of my perception of the guy is tainted by an affiliation with a television character that reminds me of them.  This is certainly not aided by the fact that no guy within close physical distance to myself indicates interest in me. Maybe I'm scared in some way to allow myself to be with someone who is close, so so affix emotions to someone who is out of reach and distant enough to be idealized. because I know that the ideal form will always be perfect, as opposed to the painful reality of imperfection found in every human being around.
    Also i've noticed that i live quite a bit aways from everyone. not just cause i'm out in the boonies but I've sorta always been distanced from, well, everything.     Which is just an example of something that's been naging at me for quite a while: that I've been, for the most part, a goody goody.  Due to my upbringing i'm not sure how much of my virtue is in tact of my own volition or simply from lack of opportunity. Which causes me to bring all my convictions under scrutiny, much to no avail since much of my convictions are untested and it's nearly impossible to determine which are my own if I've not had opertunity to act on them.